When Homesickness Gets Complicated.

Hey there! So, it’s currently 11:10 PM, and I can’t sleep. Like at all. So I thought I’d just write about something that’s been on my mind lately. For some reason, I’ve felt rather homesick lately. This homesickness is really complicated, seeing as I’m actually currently at home in my own bed. It’s not that kind of homesickness. It’s not really the home I miss; it’s more of the feelings. But don’t get me wrong, I miss everything else too. Like, waking up in the morning to it being really dark and gloomy outside. I know that sounds super depressing, but I adore it. I also miss coming downstairs first thing in the morning (with the smell of wood burning in the fire place) and devouring a croissant while enjoying my glass of cactus juice. If you just gagged in your mouth, don’t, because it’s seriously the best thing ever!  But my homesickness isn’t just missing home, it’s missing a feeling, a place, a memory, a smell.

When I was 11, My parents took our family on a road trip back to Hungary(Second home). Of course I was excited. I had all these memories of our house and all the things we did. I thought it was going to be the best thing ever to see our old house again! But when we arrived, we realized the owners hadn’t kept it up well. The big gates that once sheltered our home (which I felt like made our house a fortress) were now overran by ivy to the point where it was hard to even see through it. Our beautiful house was small, and nothing like I had remembered. As the years have gone by, It’s hard to remember our fortress. The one I recalled as a child. Now I can only remember how awful it looked the last time I saw it.

I am normally homesick for Czech (third home), because I do feel like that is my home. But like I said, this homesickness isn’t really missing a home. It’s more like, missing a time in space that can never be brought back and I can never return to it. It’s maybe also a bit of fear too. That I’m scared to ever return. I have these perfect, magical, memories of growing up, pretty much in a fairy tale land. And just like my fortress in Hungary was a major disappointment, I’m scared to risk ruining the memories I have if I were to return. A fairy tale land is literally how I remember it. With the beautiful river by our house, castles ten minutes away, renaissance festivals, the smell of Czech food in the streets, cobblestone roads, people eating dinner outside, its all a part of me, and it made me who I am today. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t ever trade my life for anything. I am so thankful that God gave me the life I have. But every lifestyle has a set of completely different struggles. I don’t know if any of this made sense at all. I mean it is like midnight now. I could just be talking, I tend to do that late at night.. But I have a lot of friends that go on mission’s trips and talk about being homesick. As in they miss the house they grew up in their whole life, and the people they’ve known since forever. Well, I figured why not share about the side that moves around a lot. It’s kind of a complicated thing to explain. But, I know a lot of third culture kids that feel the same way, but don’t really know how to explain it to other people. So, this is me kind of giving you a little peek of what TCK’s (third culture kids) or MK’s (missionary kids) go through.

Anyway, those are kind of my thoughts today.

Until my next late night rant!

~Tory <3